Stuck in a corn maze

I have never been a fan of corn mazes.

I love the fall, apple cider slushies, a trip to an orchard, but I hate corn mazes. 

The first and only time I ever did one was on a youth group trip when I was about 12 or 13. I always loved filling out my maze books in elementary school, so I thought I would enjoy this too. And I love a challenge.

We bravely entered the maze, and after HOURS of wandering (probably), we finally completed it. Sadly, my only memory from the experience is being frustrated the entire time and yelling at my friends (I am so sorry, girls).

Something that was supposed to be just for fun instead left me feeling trapped and helpless.

Lately, that memory has been pulled to the front of my mind as I have dealt with a different kind of maze — chronic pain. Rather than turning a corner only to find another wall of corn, I attend a series of doctor's appointments only to find another negative test result and no answers.

While I have dealt with hip and joint pain for years, it really escalated this year to the point of zero running and countless nights of limited sleep. I was seeing a chiropractor and had an amazing physical therapist, but it wasn't enough anymore. I started advocating for more answers.

Echocardiogram: perfect. MRI: flawless. X-ray: couldn’t be better. Bloodwork: passable.

To be fair to my doctors, they were thorough in listening to me and ordering tests. I felt heard, and I felt like I would finally get answers. But my results were all fine. Eventually, it felt like we were running out of possibilities, and I just stopped having appointments.

I started wondering if I was somehow making it all up. But if every test says I’m fine, why am I still in so much pain? Do I just live with this now because I don’t have any answers?

No answers

This time last year, I was running races, feeling the strongest I’ve ever felt. Now I can hardly run at all.

Well-meaning people always tell me, “You’re so young, just wait until you’re as old as me.” That feels like someone leaning over during the first hour of a multi-hour corn maze and saying, “You’re almost there,” when you’re clearly not. You’re already sweaty and tired, and instead of feeling encouraged, you realize it’s only going to get harder.

I already hurt so much now. How am I supposed to keep suffering through this pain that is only going to get worse?

I’m currently in the middle of a corn maze, feeling trapped and helpless.

When I completed mazes as a kid, in a book with a pencil, I could see the whole picture. It was still a long, winding path full of dead ends, but I knew where my exit was; I knew it existed, and I knew I could find my way out.

In a corn maze, my view is reduced to what is right in front of me. I know there has to be an end, but I can’t see it, and I don’t know how long it will take me to get there.

Right now, it is easy to focus on that limited view; the walls that keep popping up all around me as I try to find a diagnosis. I want to cry, admit defeat, hide in my bed, and much like during my real-life corn maze experience, yell at my people because I am just so frustrated and tired.

But I know I cannot just live with it, nor can I take out my rage on the people around me. This is where I have to lean on the Lord.

I say have to lean rather than am leaning because I know I need to, but I'm not very good at actively and continuously relying on Him for strength, healing and hope.

Though my pain is real and valid, I know people facing far more difficult circumstances with far more joy and patience. They lean on God and trust in how He is working through their lives.

James 1:2-4 says, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

The enduring word’s commentary on these verses says, “Faith is tested through trials, not produced by trials. Trials reveal what faith we do have; not because God doesn’t know how much faith we have, but so that our faith will be evident to ourselves and to those around us.”

I know the Lord can heal me. I know he can take away my pain and get me out of the maze, so it's easy to get upset when he doesn't.

But I cannot see the whole picture right now. I do not know how He will use my current circumstances to grow His Kingdom and point me closer to Him. I will continue to pray for healing, but ultimately, I pray this trial can be an example of faith to those around me.